Bucket Kicking...

I had a long phone conversation tonight with A family member while driving myself to the Catskills. I'm job shadowing at a resort down here and the 4 hour drive down left me scrambling through scrambled thoughts. The conversation eventually drifted to me talking about my running career. Something that's weighed heavily on my mind for a few months now. The main theme as of late is WTF am I doing?? I recently quit the ultra-list. I have my reasons for leaving of course, one of which is the fact that I've had a few cranky months on there. No one's fault but my own but it's forced me to try and figure out why was I cranky at all. So I've thought and thought deep.

As I stated in a post last week, my year didn't go according to plan and there's many reasons for that. Whatever the reasons, the fact of the matter is that I entreated myself into the Grand Slam of Ultrarunning without properly training for it. And in the end, I feel like a giant ass. With slow times at Western States and Vermont then timing out at Leadville.. I'll admit it that I'm rather embarrassed. When I started my Run Across NH, I knew damn well in my mind that there was no way in hell we were doing it all... but I tried anyway. I guess thats part of my stubborn nature. That run wasn't so much about making it to Monadnock as it was trying to educate others and inspire some to utilize local areas better. Yet I digress...

In my conversation with My family member I told her how I felt, how disappointed I am with my year. I mean, I only finished a loop at Barkley, finally ran and finished Western States, survived VT 3 weeks later and then made it out to Leadville. As she pointed out, there aren't many people in the sport who've ever done all of that in one year or those who might even consider it. This forced the conversation deeper into the WTF am I doing?? It's times like these where I am forced to sit back and evaluate where I've been in the sport and where I am going. What do I REALLY want to accomplish. What's the point?!

I entered this sport as a hiker, just looking to push myself over vast distances. A 23 year old "kid," in a sport full of old goats, just looking for adventure. To spend days out in the woods, traversing mountains and seeing the land. Somewhere along the way, this vision has been blurred. I've trailed a bit off this course.. and it turned into doing, doing, doing. Perhaps it's a bit of anxiety of getting older, graduating college, getting a real job finally, etc. I feel like my life is ending soon... when it'll only just be beginning. I wanted to once again shove 10 pounds of shit into a 1 pound bag before it was too late...

Yet here I am.. what do i want to do in this sport moving forward. I've been at this for 5 years now.. and I really do know the things I want to accomplish. Here they are in no particular order:

1.) Hardrock 100
2.) Return to Leadville 100
3.) Wasatch 100
4.) Finish The Grand Slam of Ultra-Running
5.) Atacama Crossing
6.) Trans-Rockies Run
7.) Sub 24 at Western States
8.) San Juan Solstice
9.) Miwok 100K
10.) Canadian Death Race

Most of these adventures are mountains races as you'll see. I'm not really into the races where running is the main feature though I'll fully admit, I want to finish Leadville and get that sub-24 hour buckle at Western States. The rest of these races are long, grueling, mountainous adventures. This was the basis for my journey into endurance events and I think I need to find my way back. I just love being outside, no pressure to perform, just pressure to enjoy the journey. I long for that again..

Sherpa John