Burning By The Numbers...

So here I am.. sitting in the computer chair. Yeah.. sitting in the chair as opposed to the normal for this month.. laying in bed.. or laying on the couch. Sprawled out in my favorite chair with my feet up while the re-runs of Dirty Jobs or Deadliest Catch play ad-nauseum on the Discovery Channel. BUt I'm not watching the TV.. hell it's on right now.. I can hear the Bears miraculously beating the Vikings in the 3rd quarter... but I'm not watching it. I'm barely listening to it. The only thing that goes through my mind right now are flashes of greatness that have long since past. They all seem like a flash in the pain of what some consider to be no big deal... and maybe it's not.. but I know that when the day comes for the story to end, It'll be a hell of a read.

Man I can visualize moments of my life so great in my mind that my eyes well up with excitement, contentment and confidence that a sort of complacency overcomes all of these feelings. I remember the first time I scored a goal in soccer one chilly autumn night in Manchester, NH. My coach was pissed. I had won us the game yet he benched me because I was "supposed to be playing defense" and should have been no where near the goal. So proud I had finally done it.. scored a goal in a sport I was merely mediocre at only to be yanked by the coach. But what I remember most about that night wasn't the image of seeing my breath rise into the chilly air.. it was the loud cheers I heard from my family on the sideline. My family who during the time of my parent's divorce had come out to cheer me on. They held up a large bed sheet that said "Go John Paul!" I remember scoring that goal and running like a mad man around the field with my arms raised high...

I remember returning to my alma mater (High School) in 2005 to host the release of my documentary film "48." I remember walking out on the stage, bright lights blinding me and not being able to see any faces. I knew there were over 200 people staring at me and listening to my every word. But I wasn't nervous as I stood tall and told them how amazing it was that life comes full circle. I almost failed out of High School... failed out of college and yet here there I was.. 4 months from getting my Associates Degree in Radio/TV Production and Broadcasting and presenting to them for the very first time.. my documentary film. And as I walked through the audience as the film winded to a close I watched the reaction of my audience. I saw them laugh, I saw them cry.. I saw them become so moved that a few even embraced each other from time to time. Being able to drag emotion out of others was a huge rush and one of my biggest thrills in the life.. a great moment, a proud moment...

And then I remember running my first mile... I had tried many times to run a mile only to find myself walking many times. Yet I tried and tried and tried again.. until finally I ran a mile without walking a single step. And in that single moment, a few thousand miles would follow. I remember the feelings that ran through my body during the final miles of many races. My first marathon in Vermont followed by surviving my first ultra. I remember wanting to quit running all together when I struggled to finish the Bay State Marathon (The Easiest in New England) one cold autumn day. One cold day much like the night that I scored my first goal.. and then I remember running another 50K.. and another.. and then a few 50s.. and how could I ever forget my first 100 mile finishes. The first time in Illinois.. and my second time in Vermont. After finishing McNaughton in Illinois, I got One Day 100 Mile tattooed on my leg.. and then everyone said, "But John.. You haven't run 100 miles in one day yet.." They were right I'd tell them and follow it up with, "Don't worry though.. I will"...

So many great moments... too many to mention. These are just a few. And yet tonight while I sift through my computer I look through my collection of lists. I go to my peak-bagging database and marvel over the year I had not long ago where I hiked all 48 peaks in two months (winter).. and how I almost hiked them all 3 times in one calendar year. Yet, I'm lucky to find time to hike at all it seems over these last 2 years. I'm one peak away from finishing the 48 for a 5th time and 8 away from a 6th time. Somehow this year I became the youngest to complete a list.. and reset a record I all ready held.. great moments.

And then I turn to my running numbers. in 2007 I ran 2090 miles. In 2008 I ran 2065. In 2009.. only 1534 (to date). I've fallen off the rocker yet, I continued to have those moments tat define who I've become. And then I think that I've now been running for as long as I was ever a wrestler.. and I begin to wonder if I've lost that fire. So I sift through pictures and continue to remember great moments and live vicariously through those moments frozen in time. Some how some way I need to re-light the fire inside and rally through the harshest season. Rally to rise above once again to create new moments of greatness, to reach new finish lines. To explore new places and push the limits even harder. To get rid of the tire I might have to drag a tire. To get the strength back in the legs to get the miles back over 2K. To see my breath rise into the chilly air once more, to stand in front of hundreds, to see that bed sheet waving in the night.. to get back to the days of glory and to rediscover my own HUMAN POTENTIAL.

Starting over is hard to do..