Attention Please....

Well here we are... November 2009. It's be an interesting and involving couple of months as you've likely seen here if you are a regular reader. No shortage of adventure and exploration. From Backpacking to day hikes. From The Vermont 50 to the Run Across New Hampshire. From a short race in the Wapack Range, to a bushwhack up the steeper slopes of Mount Lincoln in New Hampshires Franconia Notch State Park. It's been an amazing journey this end of the year, full of excitement, variation and adventures anew with life and intrigue. These last few months have seen a transition in not just my level and type of adventure, but the journey that lies ahead and the journey within.

I've taken a step back from my major at UNH in Outdoor Education and have been working diligently at my minor, Hospitality Management. The classes are demanding of my time and thought, nothing short of amazing, insightful and frustrating all at the same time. I've determined that I hate accounting almost as much as I hate EMT. However, back in the land of OE, I've been honored and privileged to play a pivotal role in resurrecting the Outdoor Education Club on Campus, changing it to focus on our community and presiding over it as well. Hours at work have dropped to a scant 3 hours a week for me, and with the holiday coming closer, I'm not going to get as many as I'd initially hoped for. But in the end, there's still running, still hiking, still adventure. Reminding myself that it's not so much about the finish, but the adventure has played an important role in it all as I keep plugging forward to that ever so distant finish line.

Depression continues to keep it's icy hold upon my mind this time of year. I have an easy time in thinking about where I was this time last year. This very week in 2008, I thought about suicide and dialed 911, saving my own life from imminent destruction. Two weeks later, I checked myself into a psychiatric ICU. Here in 2009, the journey towards recovery continues. I still carry with me a variety of demons and short comings. With the change in seasons and the depletion of daylight hours, my mind is ever more fragile yet my resiliency exists. In noticing the seasonal change and its effects on my thoughts and feelings.. I made extra appointments to see the necessary doctors, talked through the tough spots and increased my medication intakes. So far, in this journey, I'm ahead of the game in 2009 and the journey, here-in also, continues.

And now I welcome you again, to this blog, this place on the internet and ask you to lend me your eyes, your ears and your support. As this journey continues, I will not ask you to join me by cheering me on. I'll ask you to join me by asking you to get up off the couch, out of your chair and start running on your own. I've said it before, I'll say it again.. We are the authors of our own books, writing the pages in between. Now is the time to re-write your story, now is the time to create your own history. Now is the time to continue to discover our potential as humans. Now is the time to find that fire ignited inside, fuel the flames and move ever forward towards whatever tomorrow will bring. Tomorrow will bring what we want it to, it's up to me, it's up to you. Lets join in a magnificent journey together. A journey through today and into tomorrow. A journey based on dreams. A journey based on goals. A journey where once today has past and has become the yesterdays of tomorrow, we can look back and say with a magnificent smile that our story, our journey, is one worth reading.

Every year on my birthday I take the opportunity to sit back and decide if I'm satisfied with my life thus far; that if I died today, would I die happy. Last year I answered yes.. and this year, I turn the dial the other way and answer with a resounding no. Why? Because my story isn't finished yet. No.. my story is only beginning. I have unfinished business, dreams, goals, desires, wants, needs... I'm far from done writing my book and I'm not going to ever be satisfied until the day that I am. The day that will come where I can soundly write "The End" and be happy and courageous with the knowledge that the book is complete, the story has an ending worthy of happiness for not all but some.. and if at the very least.. for me. On October 20, 2009 as I turned 28.. I turned a new page and started a new chapter. The 28th chapter. The pen started writing, the story is being written. Chapter 27 ended with one hell of a struggle across 118 miles of cold winds, rain and snow. Chapter 28 is going to be filled with tears of joy, happiness, dreams accomplished, blood, guts, tears, dirt, water, wind, snow... and one hell of a journey.

And yet I sit here today and ask you for your attention please. Your attention to an answer I'l give one cowardly reader of this blog. A reader who left an anonymous comment in the days leading up to my Run Across New Hampshire where the coward asked if "Attention Motivates Me?" To the coward I said with as much honesty as I can let flow from these fingertips.. Yes my friend.. honestly in some ways it does. But you show me an ultra-runner who says it doesn't and I'll show you a liar. Why else would one subscribe to this self-masochistic freak show known as Ultra-running? Yes.. I will admit I love the attention, but not for the reasons in which your inquiry applies my cowardly friend.. no. I say yes because I enjoy the attention I get from family and friends.. those same individuals intrenched in this journey, held hostage by my inner thoughts and feelings. Those same individuals who one day told me that I was crazy for thinking I could ever run as far as I have. Those same individuals who didn't believe in the possibilities, the dedication I was willing to put forth.. those same individuals who look at me now and with astonishment, with jaws wide open, with silent mouths and clenched smiling lips, with tears streaming down face when I reach the rocks of an icy shore... the attention of those folks. Yes.. THAT ATTENTION MOTIVATES ME. Not because it was given to me.. but because I earned it. And instead, of writing in those pages of my book that they were right... I wrote in the pages that they were wrong.. and I was right and look at my sorry ass now. People who called me a joke, said to pay no attention to me because I was a no body.. and look at me now.. I'm still running after 5 years of negativity, after 5 years of doubt.. yes.. the attention motivates me.

So pay attention everyone.. the 28th chapter is just beginning. The pages are turning, the ideas are flowing and the goals are arriving before us. Either get on board or step off at the platform. I don't care if you decide to go, but I'd love to have you come along. I'd love to hear more about you all. Your goals, your adventures. I want to hear more about what you're doing today to create a better tomorrow. For YOU first, for the world second. I want to know what makes us all tick.. together. Because in 2010.. I'm going to need all the inspiration I can get. We have a monumental task in front of us.. but we're going to tear down these walls. We're going to stand up today and lead ourselves into the greater tomorrow. We're going to stand ready at starting lines and stand vigilant at finish lines. We're going to climb to 10,000 feet. We're going to run through rivers, across snow frosted peaks. We're going to see it all from sea to shining sea. This chapter is just beginning... welcome to the ride that is... HUMAN POTENTIAL.

~SJ