I'm totally lacking in motivation. This past weekend was amazing. I really felt like my legs had a lot more gas in them. I could have gone forever. BUt now that the race is done and the runners high has melted off, I find myself sitting in another post race slump. I lack motivation. I want to run but am unable to will myself towards it. Training is such a drag. I'm sick of winter, the top of my foot still hurts, when I run the arches of my feet hurt. I'm tired, constantly battling this mind numbing head cold... I need a break. And the break is coming next week. On Tuesday I fly out to San Francisco where I'll be spending the better part of 4 days running on trails through Muir Woods, Golden Gate State Park and other areas of Marin County. I'm excited because I hope running on the trails out west will re-ignite that spark that I need leading into the McNaughton Park 150. Right now I know that I can mentally run 150 miles. Physically I feel undertrained.... REALLY undertrained. I guess right now being mentally prepared for the next race is better than being physically prepared, because how DOES one train for a 150 mile slug fest anyway? I've been asked this question a few times now and have always lacked an answer. So far this year I have accomplished all of my goals. I did the Boston Prep x2, a 30 mile night run and 53 miles in the Snow. Im feeling strong physically, like I can go forever... I just can't motivate to continue to train and refine myself to where I need to be. I can see the upcoming season being very difficult to endure. But then again.. maybe things will change once the snow melts.
I think my depression still has a pretty solid hold on me. In fact, I'm pretty certain it does and this is why I am lacking in motivation. I was happy last week when my psychiatrist took me off of the Abilify. I feel like I'm making some progress and we'll see how much more progress is made next week when I see him again before the trip. I know that not everything is going to change over night and ever little step forward beats a step backward... I just want my drive back. I still get the ideas in my head... the ideas to accomplish great things. The idea to run further, faster, harder.... I just can't drive myself to do it and it's driving me crazy. This constant inner struggle continues and I hope the end is drawing near.
Happy Trails
SJ
Thursday, March 12, 2009
5 comments:
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Winter sucks. You can bet that you'll get your drive back once you're running on those California trails - in shorts!
ReplyDeleteYour commitment is being tested. Don't submit to this form of self-sabotage. You're right on goal, just keep the next milestone in focus, b/c the big one can be too big to wrap your head around sometimes. You've got this.
ReplyDeleteCheck out the book "The War of Art" by Steven Pressfield
That's great news about the San Fran trip you'll have to let me know all about your adventure I'm going out there for Headlands Hundred in August. I've been just going through the motions the past week as well garbage miles, except tonight’s full moon gave me inspiration. but u actually just ran an epic race in snowshoes so should be taking at least a week RR.....have a few long trails ; )
ReplyDeletethe good news is you get to come back out to sunny old Illinois in just a few weeks to meet up with old friends, meet some new ones and test yourself also. Looking forward to seeing you soon. The weather is decent here now, but who knows when/if that rain will roll in and give us a slop hole. I'm just off a 52 mile training run and not feeling like doing much either. Rest up and feel better
ReplyDeleteI am so confused...you start by saying you have no motivation because everything hurts, then you say you are mentally prepared for McNaughton, but don't have the physical training necessary, then you say you feel physically strong like you could go forever, but have no motivation. So is it the mental side that is lacking, or the physical side? Or both? Or neither? I guess we all know the answer, which is that running is a synergy of both (which are really not separate components anyway). And that could be the key to your long battle with depression. Stop trying to work at it with your mind, and just feel the bodily sensations of depression without judgment. Day after day, just experience in the body what it feels like to be depressed, without analyzing it with the mind. And get off the meds, because then you can't experience the authentic feeling. Peace, Chris M.
ReplyDelete