It's amazing how depression casts this ominous cloud over an individual. It is something that you cannot possibly Describe to anyone, because they'll never understand it without actually experiencing it for themselves. It's as if a storm rolled in from off on the horizon and sucks your life into its main vortex. Spins around for a few months, spreads a little rain... ok.. a lot of rain, lot of wind and you are the destructor. Its not until the storm departs, the clouds lift and the sun returns that you can truly see the damage that your "storm" has caused.
The truth is, I caused a lot of destruction, made a lot of bad choices and changed my life in many ways that I otherwise probably wouldn't have. There is a lot that I regret, but some that I can see has happened for a better outcome a better life. I trust now that the storm clouds have parted in my life and the sun has come out and the view of the destruction I have caused is neither good nor bad. But.. I can tell you that the flowers are blooming.. the flowers in my life are all of you. You who come here to read. you who try to understand, who leave comments.. you who help inspire me who help lift me up when I am down. There are many of you and I am thankful for each of you. Unfortunately.. there are still some storm clouds that keep floating over me and the rain comes down in thunderous booms.
The more I see the storms coming, the more I understand how the rain falls, the better I am at opening my umbrella, wearing the rain gear and singing in the rain. I know many of you who come here wondering what the hell I am talking about in posts like this. I'm sorry I do not feel the liberty to fill you all in. Just know that those who did me wrong.. they read.. and they KNOW what they did. They know. And no one had to tell me.. I figured it all out on my own.
I met with the psychiatrist again today. I am experiencing some minor side effects to my medications. But we don;t want to change anything up just yet. Things are working and the side effects aren't even really noticeable. So.. onward and upward we go.. continuing to fight the good fight, trying to push these storm clouds away and weather them when they are here. Life is always changing.. the story and plot thickens... sadness is replaced with sheer anger... never good. I have a lot to work through still but I am making strides... now if I could just get running.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
2 comments:
Comments to this blog are moderated by a third party. Any comments that could easily fall under the definition of "Cyber-Bullying" are promptly deleted. The author of this blog reads comments only after having been published for public view.
Cyber-Bullying is a crime punishable under Federal Law and in some cases Individual State Laws. By posting a comment to this blog, you acknowledge that you understand and accept these laws and are aware that you will be prosecuted for offenses under the full extent of these laws. By posting a comment to this blog you also agree to waive your anonymity, and any rights associated with that anonymity, by having your computers I.P. Address tracked.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Running is what keeps me sane, and I don't mean that in a flipant way. I suffer from bipolar disorder and, unknowingly at first, have used running as a form of treatment. Luckily, I caught the fact that I have the disease and now treat it with running AND medication.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I do not know what you are going through specifically but I can empathize with the struggle.
Stay strong John! You can and will get through this and you will be all the stronger for it. I'm crossing my fingers for you and sending you peaceful energy.
ReplyDelete