I went to the psychiatrist today for a follow up on how things are going. I let him in on how I can't seem to stop crying lately. Any little thing sets me off. Even something so little as someone telling me how they feel... I get emotional and start crying. Not just crying though. Crying like a young child who just found out that their doggy died, Hysterical crying. Crying that leaves me breathless and drained.. ready for bed. Ready to crawl under my covers and hide for the rest of eternity. I'm so tired of crying, tired of feeling depressed, tired of it all affecting my friends and loved ones too. This disease doesn't just affect me.. it affects all those close to me and for that I am truly sorry to them. It's not my fault.. though many times I feel like it is. I feel helpless and out of control.. I just want to be fine again. I want to live again because right now all I feel is like I'm dying. At least my spirit tends to be.
The doctor told me that my inability to run due to my surgery has left me without exercise. Exercise for me is my drug, it is my coping mechanism, it is my way of self medicating. When I run I give myself the opportunity to meditate, to medicate and to simply live. But until I am cleared by the doctor who performed the hemhorroidectomy, there is no running. The doctor suggested I try swimming if need be but regardless I NEED to move. I need to get the endorphins flowing. I need to feel adrenaline rush during personal accomplishment. Lately I have felt nothing. Just sadness, crying, despair. I sit with my head in my hands.. thats my exercise. I'm slowly going crazy.
Hopefully next week things will change and I can find flow again. I am hopeful and I have a lot of faith in myself, faith that I will climb out of this hole I am in. Faith that I will slay my demons once more. I've been here before in my life.. never quite like this, but regardless, I'm there again and ready to fight. It's a struggle and a monumental challenge. But there is hope, there is a goal and I will overcome.. I need to.. for me first... and for everyone else second. Until then, this book tends to help put it all into perspective.
Friday, January 9, 2009
2 comments:
Comments to this blog are moderated by a third party. Any comments that could easily fall under the definition of "Cyber-Bullying" are promptly deleted. The author of this blog reads comments only after having been published for public view.
Cyber-Bullying is a crime punishable under Federal Law and in some cases Individual State Laws. By posting a comment to this blog, you acknowledge that you understand and accept these laws and are aware that you will be prosecuted for offenses under the full extent of these laws. By posting a comment to this blog you also agree to waive your anonymity, and any rights associated with that anonymity, by having your computers I.P. Address tracked.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hey John,
ReplyDeleteMight sound hokie, but my therapist suggested attempting to meditate in a static state when I mentioned what running does for me, and how the lack of being able to train was making other aspects of my life terrible. I am horrible at meditation, or perhaps setting the time to do it, but when I do, it really does help to individually untangle the issues of the day, which I guess is essentially what I do when I run.
I guess that is why I fear injury the most, and why I am being really careful with my IT Band, because 3 miles, 5 days a week is better than no running for 6 weeks.
Cheers!
Hi John,
ReplyDeleteWow, that's weird. I just this past Sunday found my Dr. Seuss "Oh The Places We Will Go" book and I read it aloud! It's one of my all-time favorites.
I'm sorry you are dealing with depression. I've been there in the past too, once when I could not run for 6 months. I'm glad you are getting help.
I know part of the disease makes us feel like there's no hope of getting over the depression itself. Sometimes (every day in fact) you must remind yourself that it WILL get better even if it's hard to believe. It never always gets worse. You'll feel better when you can run again.
Be strong! Believe!
Lisa