I am once again excited to be sponsored by Brooks Running and their Inspire Daily Program for 2009. This past week I was delighted to receive by way of UPS my new shipment of Brooks Adrenaline ASR 5's. These are by far my favorite Brooks shoe product. These shoes are Road to Trail Hybrid shoes that perform exceptionally well. In fact, I ran across New Hampshire, all 125 miles in one pair this past October. I am excited to be breaking in 2 new pairs in the coming weeks as I prepare for the 2009 running season. I also received to new pairs of running shorts. The Revelation Pacer is my favorite short and I've been running in them for about 3 years now. My new colors are Earl Grey and Titan (Red). Thanks to Brooks!
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Struggling Again
I'm drowning in a sea of depression
gasping for air, barely breathing
It's hard to stay afloat
if I can only tread the water longer.
Where have you been lovely?
I really friggin' miss you.
But you've abandoned me despite
my best efforts to keep you close.
Where did I go wrong?
How did I lose you?
All of my worst nightmares about us
have come true...
This race is longer than any I've run before
I'm spending too much time in these aid stations.
My legs burn, my eyes are heavy from the dark.
I just want to sleep, I just want to quit.
Do I know when to quit? Is it time?
My heart is heavy, a lump in my throat.
I can't even swallow my own pride these days.
I just wanted one thing,,,
You, me, a smile, a laugh
and together. But somehow I feel like
I've lost again.. and now I've got nothing.
Just good memories that are forever
engrained in my heart.
Reading this post made me think of this letter :
ReplyDelete"You know I wrote you a lot about Kee last year, so I think you know what went on in my mind. Don't think that I exaggerated my feelings then; I had a strong, passionate love for her, quite different from that for Sien. When I unexpectedly learned in Amsterdam that she had a kind of aversion to me, that she considered my behaviour as coercing her and refused even to see me, and that “she left the house as soon as I entered it” - then, but not before, that love for her received a death blow. And I only perceived this when I awoke to reality here at The Hague this winter.
I then felt an inexpressible melancholy inside, which I cannot possibly describe. I know that then I often, often thought of a manly saying of father Millet's: Il m'a toujours semblé que le suicide était une action de malhonnête homme. [It has always seemed to me that suicide was the deed of a dishonest man.]
The emptiness, the unutterable misery within me made me think, Yes, I can understand people drowning themselves. But I was far from approving this, I found strength in the above-mentioned saying, and thought it much better to take heart and find a remedy in work. And you know how I put this into practice. It is hard, very hard, aye, quite impossible to consider last year's love an illusion, as Father and Mother do, but I say, “Though it will never be, it might have been.” It was not illusion, but our viewpoints differed, and circumstances took such a turn that our paths diverged farther and farther, instead of coming together.
This is what I think of it: my clear and sincere thought is, It might have been, but now it is no longer possible. Was Kee right in feeling an aversion to me? Was I wrong in persisting? I declare, I do not know. And it is not without pain and sorrow that I recall and write about it. I only wish I could understand why Kee acted that way, and also why my parents and hers were so steadfastly and ominously against it - less by their words, though certainly by them too, than by their complete lack of warm, live sympathy. I cannot soften these last words, but consider it a feeling of theirs which I want to forget.
Now, as things are, it is like a large, deep wound which has healed but is still sensitive.
Then last winter could I feel a new “love” immediately? Most certainly not. But is it wrong that those human feelings were not extinguished or deadened within me - and that my sorrow awoke within me a need for sympathy for others??? I think not. So at first Sien was to me only a fellow creature as lonesome and unhappy as myself. However, as I was not discouraged, I was then just in the mood to be able to give her some practical support, which at the same time helped me stand fast. But gradually and slowly it became different between us - a real need of each other, so that she and I could not be separated - our lives became more and more united, and then it was love."