It's been a long few days... I haven't had a good nights sleep since some time last week. All I've managed to do is sit up at night, lying awake, staring into the darkness, feeling the wet tears stream down my face. Its so easy for someone to say "snap out of it" or to ask "what's wrong with you?" I wish the answers were that easy. Unfortunately, I can't just snap out of it and I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me. I'm stuck in a deep dark place, it has a strangle hold over my entire being. I do things wihtout knowing why. I say things and make decision and not knowing why I made them. I look back on the day and feel like its been 3 days. I look back on a week and feel like its actually been 2 weeks. Time itself has been altered in my life... it's creeping by at a snails pace... no end in sight.
I'm feeling a bit better today thanks to the help of family and friends yesterday. Many of them come here and read this, this is no place to properly thank them. Hell, I don;t even know how to properly thank them. I can tell you that some of them think that leaving me alone is the best way to help me... I agree in the sense that sometimes i just don't feel like talking. But I can honestly tell you that having people step out of my life is NOT a help at all.. it makes me worse, makes me feel ill and sad.. knowing that this illness in which I have no clear control over is causing such rifts in important relationships. It drives me nuts.
From the ages of 11-15 I sunk into a time of my life known only to me as "The Dark Ages." A time in which I made a concerted effort to simply forget everything. Believe it or not, as a young man now, I can think back to many memories of my life... but it's this time period which I truly have managed to completely black out. I have few memories of this time period, not many of them good but there are some. It's because of this reaction that I now love taking photographs so much... a way to document history so that in the event that I am sinking back into a Dark Time, I might be able to hang onto memories through the gifts of photographs. Unfortunately, I know that I am now once again on the doorstep of Dark Times, unfortunately at 27 years old... this is not a place I desire to be. I want to enjoy life, I want to remember its many lessons for what they are. But I want more than anything to have a more positive effect on the lives around me, rather than this current negative schema. I'm desperate, I'll do anything.. I just want to be FINE again. I'm tired of crying, tired of sleepless nights, tired of pull my hair out of my head... I want to look up again and walk proudly across the earth, knowing who I am, where I've been and where I am going. Right now.. I'm here, without a mission, without a purpose or reason... I'm scared, lost and alone.. I do still feel like my disappearing will only better the lives of those closest to me.. as crazy as it sounds... its not all that crazy in my head. Or maybe crazy is just what I am...
"A woman can forgive a man for the harm he does her...but she can never forgive him for the sacrifices he makes on her account." ~W. Somerset Maugham, The Moon and Sixpence English dramatist & novelist (1874 - 1965)