The Struggle Continues

"The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt." ~Thomas Merton (1915 - 1968)

It was a struggle to roll out of bed today, as it is most days it seems. I haven't slept a wink in the last 3 nights now. I'm exhausted, stressed, shaking... and I feel like dying is a pretty good option. It beats suffering. I've got so much on my mind that I don't really know how to sort through it all. I don;t know how to deal with it all. I don;t even really know what to do anymore. I'm lost... so very lost and struggling. I am capable of owning my decision, owning my mistakes.. I'm actively searching for different ways to act. Different ways to try to exude some kind of happiness from my soul. Different ways to get those whom I love around me to even want to be with me. Right now.. I don;t see how anyone would want ot hang around a sad sap such as myself. I doubt I'm any fun.. or am I?

Once I finally got out of bed today I went out for a 4 mile run. It felt good to run. I got slush and powdery snow all over myself. I ran at a comfy clip, banging out 8:09 min miles on average. This has been a typical pace for me as of late. I know I could run slower.. I know I could run faster. Hard to believe that the first Ultra run of 2009 is just 5 or 6 days away. I don't even know if I am up to the task. Do I need a pacer? I do.. I need a pacer in life and a pacer Sunday.. I fear. After my run, I cam home, covered in road salt, and crawled right back into bed. I laid there and fought back tears, wrestled with that pit in my stomach, that lump in my throat that I can't seem to swallow. I'm so lonely.. ready for school to start again.. I fell back to sleep.

My phone rang and I woke back up. It was Josh and Loni, two great friends who have been keeping an eye on me, listening when I need someone to talk to, offering help, advice or just an ear. They had arrived in Dover and were coming out on a snowshoe with me. I threw my clothes on quickly, ate lunch (at 3:30) and headed out with them to Kingman Farm. Conditions for any kind of snow sport activity are mint around here. We had 4 inches of Snow over night on top of the 8-10 we got on Sunday. Snow is everywhere. We strapped on our snowshoes and went for an amazing walk around the farm as the sun set in the western sky. We watched as the sky turned from blue to gray to pink and orange to nothing more than darkness with clouds illuminated by the areas light pollution. It was a brisk 4.5 mile hike that we accomplished, talking about the ultra scene, what's coming up on our schedules and even a little bit of football. It was so nice to get out and be with people. Thanks Josh and Loni,

After a nice pasta dinner I'll head to the gym to work out for a bit before returning home to finish up some work I have to do around here. Anything to keep my mind occupied. Perhaps a movie? A Phone Call? Anything. What I miss the most right now is sleep and my sanity. I'm falling apart.. I need to get back into a routine and right now I'm just one big mess. I'm almost embarrassed to be seen. I wonder if my medication is working. Somedays I am feeling great, high highs.. some days nothing more than the lowest of lows. I thought about going to the hospital yesterday, I feel worthless and destructive. Like if I would just disappear, I could make the people who I love the most... I could make their lives so much easier and more enjoyable, instead of drama filled misery. One day at a time, one foot at a time, searching for my compass.