I don't know where I went wrong... I don't even remember half of what happened it seems. But I do know that I've hurt others more than I hurt myself and it was a thought I couldn't bear to live with. I thought of evening the score. Certainly in this life I know what I am truly capable of.. and in many aspects of my life, I'm still unsure of exactly what what is or why I do the things that I do. In my heart of hearts and in my soul of souls I feel remorse and regret for a great mistake and injustice. I broke a heart.. and in turn I broke my own. I thought about hurting myself.. I don;t even know why. Something took my life over on me.. I was losing control.
Where have I been the last few days? I checked myself into a treatment facility in Manchester where I spent 3 days in support groups and in a quiet room with no tv, no radio, no computer.. thinking... just thinking of what I've done and who I've become. As much as I thought I knew about myself and this life.. I realized in a few short days that I know nothing and I learned of the real fear I have knowing how fast things can get away from me. I'm getting help now. For the first time in my life I take medication to help me cope.. to help me sleep. I'm getting fixed, I'm getting better.
I need to get back on track. I need to rise from the ashes and take hold of my life. "I'm in control".. I need to remember this. I make my own choices, I need to know what I want and OWN what I want. I know what that is.. I'm scared to death that I'll never have it. Words will never say or show anyone how true this really is. How BAD I really want it and what I'll do to get it. And what I needed to do all along was really so simple... but I blew it.. I blew it. And now I want it even more.. because I can't stand the thought of losing it. I've met a lot of people in my short time on this earth, many have affected me, many have changed my way of thinking and feeling... but no one quite as much as she did.
I'm picking up the pieces, slowly. I finally hit rock bottom. My life in shambles but repairable. Now is the time to rise from the ashes, to climb from the hole I buried myself in. I am not a quitter.. I am a fighter and life will go on. Come with me my friends and grab my hand, walk with me to the promised land. Show me where I went astray and lead me to that long winding single-track trail I know and love. Where one adventure ends a new adventure begins. I have the power to choose what education I will gain from the experience. Mis-educative or non-educative. Given what I've learned all ready, the lessons I'll carry with me every day for the rest of my life... I gained nothing but a grande educational experience. I just need to use the tools I have to continue to fix the ship and sail into the future. I don't know what my future holds.. but I do know what I want it to hold. I can't go it alone.. I know I have amazing friends who will help me get by. I'll rely on their strength to reignite my own. And I'll continue the search within for my own Human Potential... because I know that its still in there, waiting. Waiting for me to light the torch and march on... march into the darkness with my sword in my hand. I'll slay the demons and win over the world again.
Uccidere il lupo!
Hey Sherpa. Your accomplishments are amazing for anybody, and the fact that you have completed as many ultras as you have already is boggling!
ReplyDeleteI don't know why your lady is not in your life now, but I know this from experience; you will survive. You may get her back. You may not. But you will survive.
You did the right thing seeking the help you did, and posting it to your blog may have saved many others than yourself.
The world needs people like you. Never give up; especially on yourself. Learn from your mistake and don't repeat it, but don't give up. - Matt Seats
Sometimes, you need to hit rock bottom before you can rise to the top. Good luck...and keep running.
ReplyDeleteYou hit rock bottom and you took the right steps. You are a wise man to seek help. The support and guidance you get from your treatments will be your key to getting your life back on track. Things will get better. It may not seem like it, but it will. Keep your friends close to you and let them lend you their support. It is invaluable.
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog for a while now, and your love of life and running have inspired me.
ReplyDeleteYou recently completed the Run Across New Hampshire, a great achievement for anyone, let alone someone so young.
Decisions sometimes don't work out the way we envision, and things unravel. Mistakes are made, and then people move on.
Losing something or someone we love can be difficult and painful, but with all the things running has taught you, I believe you will overcome the temporal hurt, and the inner chaos will eventually diminish.
You will immerse yourself in Nature, Beauty, and Running. Your spirit will heal, your love of life will increase, and you will have once again achieved a great triumph.
James W.
Powerful stuff...
ReplyDeleteI'm here for you man, anytime you need, just say the word. I've been there myself and know the road, it's a hard one, but I'm much better for it and I know you'll overcome it. I hope to see you on some trails this winter. Take care and God Bless.